(This post has been sitting, unfinished, in my tabs for quite some time. With all that is going on in the world right now, it seemed like a good time to try to wrap my head around this idea a bit more.)

In what seems like ages ago, I tweeted out this:

Are you kind? Do you teach people to think critically? Do you advocate for justice and care? Do you conduct your life such that world is a little bit better off because you happened to live in it for a while? Then you are my sister/brother, and I have nothing but love for you.

— Chris Lehmann (@chrislehmann) July 15, 2018

It’s important to understand that “kind” is not a synonym for “nice.” Nice, for me, is superficial. It references a sense of social mores that are – at root – pretty surface level. “Nice” people tend to shy away from conflict and confrontation to keep the peace, and sadly, in the world we live in today, there’s a pretty big need to deal with conflict. In education, that can lead to teachers who shy away from strong but fair critique, and in the world… well, that can lead to a mess.

Being kind in our schools means having the patience to hang in there with the student who pushes all your buttons. It means taking the time to listen to kids, not for the moment where you can win the argument, but for the thing that they are saying that we need to hear – even when their actions are wrong, even when a student is “in trouble.” Being kind means understanding that we teach students before we teach our subjects. This means understanding that at any given moment, we have to understand that what we are teaching may not be the most important thing in their lives at that moment, and we should not pretend that it is. That doesn’t mean abandoning the curriculum, but it does require that we see the whole child in front of us, especially at the moment when they can’t see their way through to learning the thing we are asking them to learn. And none of this is easy.

Radical kindness is empathy at its root, but it is also so much more. Radical kindness dares to ask students, “What is the best version of who you want to be? And how do I help you see that in yourself?” It sometimes means asking really hard questions and listening deeply to answers. And radical kindness is not a singular act, but instead is a relationship over time, because showing up over time matters. Radical kindness isn’t an act, it’s grounded in a relationship. Because it shows care over time.

Radical kindness is transparent, because it takes the time to ask and answer the questions of why. And in this way, radical kindness can never be paternalistic. It assumes that, while there are differences and wisdom and experience and knowledge, all parties involved in a radically kind relationship, bring something to the table and have something to offer. As such, radical kindness recognizes but does not take advantage of power imbalances in schools. Yes, teachers are in a power imbalance with students in schools, but seeks understanding, not compliance, and as such, the radically kind educator has to take the time to work through disagreements and seek understanding.

Radical kindness is demanding. It is not easy, nor is it simple, to urge ourselves to be the best versions of ourselves every day. This is one of the ways in which radical kindness is not simply “being nice” because radical kindness has the courage to say to people we care about, “I know you can be better than this.” It requires steel in our spine not to allow our care for someone to create the conditions where we allow them to settle for less, just because what they are trying to do is hard. And it requires a true moral backbone when students engage in actions that are harmful to the ideas of a kind and caring community. But when we work towards shared goals, when we are willing to see a better way, and when we are in caring and kind relationships where we urge one another to grow, then we owe it to one another to always seek moments when students can learn from mistakes, reflect, change and grow.

Radical kindness is reciprocal. Whatever we want for the students we care for, we must demand ourselves as well. So as we show kindness to students where we ask them to see themselves in the best light and grow, we must do the same for ourselves. And more to the point, we must understand that the same mirror we hold up to students, they will hold up to us. And we must have the humility to listen and grow ourselves. The radically kind educator is able to say, “I’m sorry, what can I do to make this better?” when they have done harm. In the same way that our students are works in progress, so are we. And when we are willing to see ourselves through the eyes of the students we care for, we see the space for our own growth as well. This can – and should – create the conditions by which radical kindness isn’t just a one-way street. When we engage in this kind of action, we allow ourselves to grow as educators and as people as well.

Radical kindness is humble because it involves listening and understanding that we cannot pre-suppose answers to the questions we ask of others. And that humility that we show in our actions with others can end up applying to the way that we look at the entire world. Surety is difficult when one tries to listen first. When we work to see the basic humanity of all, and seek to understand, our own stridency must be limited. This is where the ideal of genuine inquiry becomes so important. Because when we ask questions and are willing to hear answers that confound whatever preconceived notions we have, that’s when students truly feel heard, and that is when we can learn ourselves.

There are, of course, limits to this, otherwise we can be taken advantage of or blind to ideas that cannot exist within the public sphere of a pluralistic and kind society. But we should be cautious in our judgment and willing to see the growth in others – especially young people who are trying on identities, and pushing boundaries, and playing with ideas in a moment when their influences are myriad. There are ideas that our public schools cannot abide, but we should almost always create space for people – especially young people – to find their way back to the community through growth and change.

Because radical kindness is communal, not individualistic. The simplest way to say it is that radical kindness demands that we “pay it forward.” But it’s more than that. Radical kindness demands relational view of our world. It acknowledges the notion that we are, indeed, our brothers’ keepers. And that to be radically kind, is to always be aware of our actions and the impact they have in the world. And so we must recognize that this is not simply a way in which we treat those whose lives we directly impact, but it can become a world view. Selfishness, narcissism, solipsism and tribalism are the antithesis of a radically kind view of the world. Instead, we must remember that to be radically kind is to understand that our humanity is no greater and no less than the humanity of others.

These are not new ideas. In fact, in many ways, these ideas are very old. And yet, in the moment we are living in today, they feel fragile and necessary. The ideas of radical kindness contain the seeds of equity, because it requires us to see people for who they are, rather than seeing them as “the other.” Inside the ideas of radical kindness, one can find Martin Buber and John Rawls and Nel Noddings, because all of those philosophers saw a need to see the world outside of our own needs to create meaning and value and a just world.

For all of us, working to meet the world with radical kindness every day is a choice, and it is far from an easy choice. For educators with class sizes that are far too big and demands that are far too great, establishing the kind of relationships where radical kindness can flourish can seem to be too great a task. But school is about so much more than the coursework and academic skills that we teach the kids. Schools are, for kids, one of the most profound ways they learn how to act and interact in the larger society. It is – as David Perkins writes – the junior varsity version of the life they will lead when they leave our walls. If we want them to believe that a kinder world, a better world, a more just world is possible, then they must experience it through us and our schools first.

Two Important Notes:

• EduCon 2026 is open for registration! EduCon is SLA’s educational innovation conference where hundreds of educators come from all the country to spend three days talking and thinking about how we can make schools more modern and authentic for all who we serve. EduCon 2026 will be January 30th through February 1st at Science Leadership Academy in Philadelphia, PA. This year’s theme is Intentionality. Proposals to facilitate a session are open through Sept. 15th. Join us!
• Give a listen to Re:Building School 2.0 — the podcast where Zac Chase and I take apart a different chapter of our book Building School 2.0 every week.