There’s a new post making the rounds on Facebook. It’s about a sign that the Catholic High School for Boys has posted on their front door for this school year. It says:
If you are dropping off your son’s forgotten lunch, books, homework, equipment, etc, TURN AROUND and exit the building. Your son will learn to problem-solve in your absence.
Many teachers I know are sharing it gleefully. And that worries me for a bunch of reasons. First, it shows a lack of empathy on our part – as if “tough love” would override helping a student who has forgotten homework or lunch or their cleats. Wouldn’t we want the kids to have what they need for school? And if that means that, from time to time, they need someone to bail them out when they forget something, so be it. And yes, I recognize that many students don’t have the ability to have parents drop something off at school, and so we shouldn’t only have that as a student’s solution, but nor should we turn parents away at the door when they are coming to school to help their child.
Second, I wonder if teachers would subject themselves to this same policy. I’d be in trouble. SLA Ultimate practices at 6:30 am every morning, and I dress in practice gear and change into my work clothes after practice. I’ve forgotten my wallet, socks, a belt, dress shoes, you name it. I’m lucky – my wife goes by SLA on her way to work, and if I realize it in time, I’m able to call her and beg her to drop off what I’ve forgotten. Does that make me a less responsible and effective educator that I occasionally forget stuff when I leave at 6:15 am? I hope not. Nor would I want a teacher not to have someone offer them the same help if they forgot a folder of work to hand back on the kitchen table. And I’m curious how some of the teachers who have been sharing this post on Facebook would react if their principal told their roommate or spouse to turn around if they forgot something, encouraging again, problem-solving.
And finally, it just seems mean to me. We all screw up. We all need to be bailed out. And there are plenty of times in life when we can’t. But I question why a school would send the message to a student that, when the solution to their problem is — quite literally — at the schoolhouse door, that it doesn’t help them. “This is for your own good” often isn’t, and I wonder what the lesson the students will really learn from that sign will be.
As educators, when we have the chance to show kindness, we should. As educators, when we have the chance to make sure kids see that home and school can work together in a child’s best interest, we should. And as educators, when we have the chance to remind kids that it’s ok not to be perfect and that we all need help from time to time, we should.
The world can be a cruel place where people treat one another poorly. Our students have the rest of their lives to learn that particular lesson.
They don’t need to learn it from us.
Agreed Chris. We would all be in trouble if we couldn’t count on each other for help. And it is even more important for the school to be a support for those student whose parents can’t be.
You are right on target. I shake my head every time I see that post. It’s no badge of honor, no way to treat kids, and certainly not a way to create a culture of care. What it is – is easy. Post the the sign. Say too bad. We’re adults and you have to toughen up. Be more responsible. OK, there are ways to foster and encourage that, but the sign, and the message it carries, is not that way.
I also wonder how the teachers who have this sentiment would react if the student turned in their work late because they forgot it – would it still be full credit? Accepted with a lecture about responsibility? Or turned away with another helping of tough love for accepting the “consequences” of ones actions?
Agreed… I find that really strict lateness policies are an interesting piece of teacher control. There are times when deadlines really matter — when you have a presentation to make, for example. And there are times when they matter less. Teaching kids that skill is actually an important one.
And lateness is one of the pernicious things that teachers tell kids, “In the real world, you can’t hand things in late…” which just is rarely true. Many of us live in worlds where many of the deadlines we face are deeply negotiable.
As I posted in response to a friend and fellow educator who shared the article on Facebook:
[I think] it’s important (as it is so often) to read the article to get the context. This is in a private high school, which has made it part of their mission to develop kids’ problem-solving — not just wall out parents without providing support.
The reason I feel compelled to point this out is that this is of a piece with the fad for “grit” right now — which has too often been proposed as a solution for kids living in much more adverse circumstances. As Paul Tough has called it, there is a bit of an “adversity gap”. The kids getting helicoptered definitely need to be given more space to err and fail and recover. But there are a lot of other kids who need a lot more support — and kudos to those educators who are doing heroic work to provide it.
You left out another bit from the article.
They call this “problem solving.”
It is not. At the very best, it is coping, or accepting one’s comeuppance, or an incredibly impoverished form of “problem solving.”
The key to going viral in education discussions is being mean towards children.
I also have this icky feeling about boy stereotypes—like “be a man,” “figure it out.” Would this same sign hang in an all girls school?
Also, kids are so forgiving. Every time that I’ve rushed in 10 minutes into first period (it was a few those first few months of Noah’s life) the kids have told me to relax, sit down and that it’s fine. If they can forgive, why can’t we?
No school would put a sign like this up if they weren’t noticing a lot of helicopter parents repeatedly solving problems for kids. I had a student whose parent starting calling me for duplicate homework over and over and I finally said no. I give it to him, he needs to get home with it. Why not a consequence for his negligence. Oh we can’t do that. Family time is too important to us. I refused.
A few days later, in came all the homework it had been in his backpack all along. That is enabling, not helping and certainly not empathetic at all.
Sure… parents can frustrate educators. Happens all the time. And what you did was have a conversation with the parents involved and crafted a solution for the kid.
What this school did was show parents who was “in charge.” It’s autocratic behavior that is unnecessarily confrontational. Parents trust us with their children. We should work to honor that trust. I don’t believe messages like the one the school sent fosters that.
Thanks Mr. Lehmann for voicing my thoughts exactly. So wonderful to hear this from a stellar educator’s point of view. Our children see at a very early age that the world is a tough and often cruel and unfair place. I will always be their refuge for them to be able to help out when needed. I have been blessed with 4 children (one attending her senior year at SLA-Beeber) and I will always try to be a blessing to them.
I am in agreement with you, and with the school. the problem is when we try to force a one size fits all policy.
Over the summer I had kids calling parents to bring them McDonalds because they didn’t want the lunch. I didn’t think that was appropriate and asked them to stop, well more told them to stop.
Shoes, musical instrument, heck yes, you can’t practice without it and you shouldn’t miss practice.
Homework, no, a final presentation that has been worked on for a month, yes.
All these things need to be taken into context. Facing consequences for forgetting something should happen, but in some cases (myself being one) the behavior still won’t stop.